So… I know I said I would do a post on Hannah… and it’s coming!
But I started listening to a song on that my friend Ria Thurston posted on her blog today and it’s caused me to look deep and be raw with my blog readers… all 5 of you. [It’s a treasured 5 though!]
I am wrestling. It’s a BIG wrestle that I believe all women face at some pivotal point in their life and, in many ways, a little bit everyday. In my life it was spurred on recently by a sermon by Caroline Mahaney titled “True Femininity”. You see this wrestling reaches deep into my heart and causes me to question what is there, because it’s one that causes me to reevaluate what my “calling” or true heart’s desire is to do with the rest of “my” life and even my sinful reactions to fight for “what I want”.
A few of the questions I face: Will I go crazy if all I do is “make a home”? What about the desire I have to go into marriage and family counseling? What do I have to offer anybody I do counsel? [I often find myself tongue tied when listening to someone facing some of life’s hardest struggles.] If I stay home, where will the money come from? [this is a big one… so big it has become a sin I have to repent of almost daily… or more]. You see, these are just questions that we all face on some level everyday, yet today they have been constantly beneath the surface of my thoughts.
Yet what brings me to my knees more than any of these questions is this… it’s not “MY” life to begin with. I have been bought with a price… a HIGH price, beyond which I am worth, but am SOOO thankful for none the less! So, despite my insecurities and deep questioning - I CHOOSE to TRUST that the God who sovereignly ordains all of life will show me how I am to live. And I CHOOSE to JOYFULLY [full of joy] walk out in the HIGH calling He has for me, no matter what that looks like, how it doesn’t always make sense to me, and no matter what the world thinks of it.
.And.I.CHOOSE.to.give Christ.my.all.EVERYDAY.
So – the wrestling may continue – but I hope and pray that in it I will CHOOSE to see my life in the proper perspective. It’s a choice, not a given, and one that takes conscious effort.
Love,
-H-
mm... so rich Heidi! Thank you for being RAW and vulnerable. That struggle is not only yours but SO many others... including me!! Your honesty is contagious - LOVE!!
ReplyDeleteAm I one of the five? If so, I will comment so that you know I have read this.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right to say, "It is not MY life to begin with." Whenever I catch myself thinking about "what I want," I tend to regard those words as sin and try to take that thought captive. I stop and remind myself that what I truly want most is to discover what God wants of and for me, then to obey by joining him in that plan.
I hate to tell you, but obedience does not necessarily get easier with age, but it is nice that you are already working on it.
I find myself quite often going to James 1:5 which tells me, "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." I pray that God will give you wisdom in these hard places of the soul, Heidi. It is a blessing to see a new wife that is certainly on the right track.
thanks for being real. i want to listen to that sermon!
ReplyDelete