I have just come to a freeing realization…and it’s weird to admit to the world, but I’m going to anyway, because it’s true and I’m learning how to be honest :-)… I’m not a big fan of my life right now! “Gasp! Heidi - how can you say that?? You’re engaged that’s one of the most wonderful seasons out there!” (which I do agree with, by the way) Well… for several reasons:
- Working full-time, going to school full time, preparing to be a wife, and planning a wedding all at the same time does some CRAZY stuff to my emotions! I didn’t think of myself as an emotional woman until now! And now, not only am I trying to understand it all, but I have to try and explain what I don’t know and understand about myself to a man…rough stuff!
- No matter which of the above things I’m doing I always feel like I should be doing something else or want to be doing something else. It makes it VERY difficult to just BE!
- My heart still longs to go back to the simplicity of life at Teen Mania, it was fast and full, but grounded and rich! Life in the real world takes a whole new level of faith and dependency on Christ… which are wonderful and amazingly difficult characteristics to work on in your own life.
- Yet, while my heart looks back with that deep longing, it’s also looking forward with GREAT anticipation, excitement and fear towards August 28th, 2010, where nothing will ever be the same again! So many new adventures and things to look forward to… and so many unknowns I will never understand until they’re upon me!
- The more time Mike and I get to spend together… like in the same place, at the same time, enjoying the same things… the more dissatisfied I become with going back to only having a phone or Skype to communicate on. *sigh* someday this will not be the case anymore!
So, as WEIRD as it feels to admit all of that, I realize that it only means… I’m human! And a woman with CRAZY emotions at that! And even though I’m not a big fan of life at this moment, when I take a step back and see ALL the RICH lessons the Lord is teaching me, the character HE is building, and the WONDERFUL life He has given me…. I chose to be thankful and give all praise to the ONE who deserves it all, because without him, I am NOTHING!
Thanks for listening while I seek to understand my current world a little more :)
Heidi
Girllll... I was there. Just a mere almost 7 months ago. SO much going on. SO many good things. SO many things to take in. You are not alone, you are not by yourself. I think the most reassuring thing EVER was just looking forward and knowing that summer is almost near. AND that means August soon enough!! I admire your openness and honesty - it is rich!! :) God is a proud abba-father right now. I had to get to that place (once again) of being B-R-O-K-E-N. I think there needs to be a class on Life in the real world after TM. It's quite the adjustment... different & good, but SO DIFFERENT.
ReplyDelete<3
Hi Heidi,
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate how openly you're processing life. Calling things as they are with a heart to grow and mature. The details in our circumstances differ greatly, but the principles you're exploring here are the same. It's a treasure when someone will pull back the veil and allow others to see the deep places in their walk of faith.
It's coming up on two years that Paul & I have been in a season of uncertainty; I'll leave it at that. So much has surfaced in me that is frail and reveals unbelief. PLENTY of stuff to skim off the grape jelly. :-) So thankful for the patient way God fathers us toward maturity.